


Dancing Through Our House (With The Ghost Of You)

by harrythe



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Canon Compliant, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Marauders Era (Harry Potter)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-28
Updated: 2020-11-27
Packaged: 2021-03-09 18:14:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,175
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27750595
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/harrythe/pseuds/harrythe
Summary: Somehow, somewhere along the way, something had gone horribly wrong. Somehow they'd fallen apart before either really noticed, seeds of distrust taking root before they even realized it.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Kudos: 3





	Dancing Through Our House (With The Ghost Of You)

**Author's Note:**

> Title comes from “Wrong Direction” by Hailee Steinfeld. A (mostly) cannon Wolfstar anthem if there ever was one for the twelve years Sirius was in Azkaban and Remus thought he betrayed his friends. 
> 
> Also shoutout to Ronie for beta-reading this for me. I appreciate her more than she knows. I don't know what I did to deserve a friend like her, but she's obviously the best.

_Love me with your worst intentions  
_ _Didn't even stop to question  
_ _Every time you burned me down  
_ _Don't know how, for a moment it felt like heaven  
_ _Love me with your worst intentions  
_ _Painted us a happy ending  
_ _Every time you burned me down  
_ _Don't know how, for a moment it felt like heaven  
_ _And it's so gut-wrenchin'  
_ _Fallin' in the wrong direction_

* * *

There’s a moment in the space between “Voldemort is defeated” and “Lily and James have been killed” that Remus takes a moment to breathe. He’s just gotten back into the flat that he and Sirius share, _shared_ , _still share_ , returning from a mission with the werewolves to try to get them on their side. He hates it, hates that he can’t even talk about it with the most important people in his life, hates that it’s caused his relationship with Sirius to crack and fissure to the point he’s not even sure they’re together anymore. They’d fought the last time they were in the same room, fought bitterly and harshly, before Remus had apparated out of the flat, and raced headlong into his next mission. He’s surprised his stuff is still here, recognizing the blanket in the back of the couch, the ratty shoes. by the back door. Proof that this is still the biggest part of his life. The important part. 

Dumbledore had told him that he couldn’t tell anyone what he was doing, that it was too dangerous for him to interact with his pack, because he needed to appear to be alone. He was less of a threat this way, less of a challenge. He needed to undermine it from the inside if he was going to wrestle control from Greyback. And now? Now he can feel his pack bonds, reaching out blindly, as if on instinct. His bonds to Peter, James, and Lily feels sickly, and weak, his bond to Harry just as weak, he hasn’t seen the cub in so long. His bond to Sirius is still strong, still vibrant, and that just makes him feel sick. He cannot fathom why the other bonds feel weak, when his relationships with the others are so much stronger, but he hates it. Hates that he ever agreed to take Sirius as his mate. He’s caused so much pain and heartache lately, keeping his secrets. 

And it’s not like Sirius is innocent in all of this. He’s been secretive lately, hiding things from Remus, and while at first he chalked it up to the pressure of being James and Lily’s Secret Keeper, now he’s not so sure. They’ve barely spent any time in the same room together since his last mission almost six months ago. It’s been even longer since they shared a bed together, since he’s seen even anything above Sirius’s wrists. And it shouldn’t seem like a big deal, they’re both so busy, but for so long they spent every spare minute in bed together, or sprawled across their couch, or pressed up against kitchen cabinets... and now… There are rumors that there is a spy in the order, and even a year ago Remus would have said there was no way, but now? 

He doesn’t want to think it, but he can’t _not_. Sirius is keeping something from him, something vital and important, and it breaks his heart.

And then Fawkes taps on his window, and his world _shatters_ . The words swim in front of him, _James, Lily, Harry, Sirius, traitor, Voldemort defeated, Dursleys, traitor, Sirius, James, Lily, dead, Secret Keeper, Peter dead, Sirius is the traitor…_

He collapses to his knees as he can’t quite catch his breath. The pack bonds tying him to James, Lily, and Peter snap, and Moony howls inside of him at the loss. _Harry_ . Harry had somehow defeated the Dark Lord. Harry had won the war for them. The bright and happy toddler who’d just celebrated his first birthday had won a war that many had died fighting in. _His parents had died fighting in. James and Lily are gone._

Sirius had betrayed them. _His mate had betrayed them._ It all made sense, why Sirius couldn’t be in the same room as him, why they hadn’t shared a bed lately. All the arguing and fighting. His grim face as he told Remus that James and Lily had asked him to be their Secret Keeper. Had he been planning it? Even back then? _He was their best friend, Harry’s godfather. They’d all sworn a vow to protect Harry._ His heart ached. The last time he and Sirius had watched Harry, Sirius had monopolized his godson, cuddling him close, as James and Lily had gone on a mission. _It’s your turn now_ , they had said, _good luck_ . Sirius would have never betrayed them. He would have _died_ . As much as Remus was Sirius’s heart, _Harry was his world_. And yet Sirius had been their Secret Keeper, and James and Lily were dead. 

He felt broken, like a house that was rapidly burning down around him. And Sirius had slipped away from him like smoke. 

And _Peter_ . Peter had died confronting Sirius. Peter who used to cry if you looked at him funny when they were just kids. _Peter_ had confronted Sirius, had made him admit the truth where Remus had failed. He should have given Peter more credit, rather than pushing him to the side. Peter was braver than Remus ever could be. He would miss him, miss his quiet friendship more than anything. 

_It was all his fault._ Remus had failed them, failed James and Lily by not voicing his concerns to Dumbledore. By not telling him that Sirius was acting suspicious. He had failed Harry, who had been dropped on the doorstep of Lily’s wizard hating sister. He had failed Peter, who had been blasted to smithereens by a mad man. A marauder. A brother. He’d let the Dark Lord into their lives and destroyed them all. Remus would never be whole again. Everything had gone so _wrong_. 

He wanted to go to Sirius, confront him, curse him, tear him limb from limb, as the ache of the broken pack bonds hummed in the background. Their mating bond felt suffocating, like it would swallow him whole. He wished he could break it, so that it would no longer tie him to the person who betrayed them all. Who had destroyed his world with barely a backward glance. Who he still loved with every single bone in his tired and weary body. 

He roughly pushed his fingers through his hair, and exhaled, standing up from the floor. He needed to find Dumbledore, needed to see Harry, needed to cradle the small boy close, just have a moment to _grieve_ . To grieve _everything_ that had been lost tonight. The frayed pack bonds that used to bind him to Peter, James, and Lily were hanging loosely. If he closed his eyes and concentrated, he could almost see them, the red strands rapidly fading to grey. There was a more orange toned one for Harry, since he was young, and the bond hadn’t solidified, and he tugged on it gently. He could have followed it, but just as he was about to, he felt a tug on the other strand that was bound to him. He wants to ignore it, wants to break it so that it can never hurt him again, wants to smash it into pieces just like his heart. 

The golden strand that bound him to Sirius vibrated again, and Remus falls to his knees once more. He can feel the fear, the longing, the loneliness reaching for him, as if Sirius himself were standing in front of him. He can feel the cold grip of Dementors, and the horrors of what Sirius will surely face. It is no less than he deserves, but Remus feels his heart clench for his mate anyways. The anger creeps in at the thought, as Peter’s, James’s, and Lily’s faces smile at him from the mantle, and he imagines what life Harry will now have with the woman who called her own sister a freak. He pushes his own anger and betrayal across the bond, against the longing he can still feel reaching for him, every emotion he’s felt since finding out the news, and the bond goes quiet.

He’s exhausted, and should try to get some sleep, but the thoughts keep coming. Now that they’ve started, it runs through him like the Hogwarts Express at full speed. There’s no stopping his thoughts, nothing to keep him for wallowing in self-guilt. It leaves him breathless, and bruised, and broken, like the hollowed out shell of a fire-burned home, and the smoke is just beginning to clear. 

He just doesn’t know how he couldn’t see it. 

How the Sirius who fought so hard to get away from the legacy of the Black Family turned out to be the Darkest of all of them. Sirius, who begged Regulus not to take the mark when he turned seventeen, told him there was another way, even when it seemingly fell in deaf ears. Sirius, who ran away from home the moment his parents took him to Voldemort to get the mark, and moved in with the Potters, who treated him like a _favored son._ Sirius, who had the best track record in the Auror department for hunting Death Eaters. Sirius, who was James’s brother, in everything except _blood._ He just, he can’t understand. 

Sirius, who looked at Lupin the way people looked at the stars, as if their love was a vast and wondrous thing. Who never treated him like he was anything less than a man, who would kiss him breathless every time he called himself a monster. Who would trace every scar on his body as if it were a thing of beauty, instead of an ugly reminder of what he was. Sirius, who brought up the idea of becoming illegal Animagi to the other two, so that Remus would never have to be alone on a full moon again. Sirius, who found a timid and scared eleven year old boy on a train and invited him to join his friends. Sirius, who had hidden a ring in the deep recesses of his underwear drawer, as if Remus would never think to go in there, even though Remus is the one who does the laundry most of the time. Sirius, _who gave him a home and a family_. 

And it was all a _lie_. 

Somehow, somewhere, they had fallen in the _wrong direction_. He thinks of Sirius pranking Snape and almost getting him killed. He thinks of the dark looks Sirius would get on his face sometimes, when he and Remus would fight, when Peter would bow out of one of their more dangerous pranks. How he would bite and scratch his way out of a fight at school, bitter words clawing at his throat. Little clues that piece together to form the picture of who Sirius would become. 

_And yet…_

Sirius used to look at James like he hung the stars himself. James could have told Sirius the sky was green, and the grass was blue, and Sirius would have defended him till his dying breath. Remus would have been jealous over their obvious affection if he didn’t have their mating bond twisting itself around his heart, pulling at all the other strings. James may have had Sirius’s heart, but Remus had his _soul_. Before Sirius, he’d never believed in the lore about a wolf’s mate, chalking it up to silly romantic notions to soften the blow of suddenly having your life ripped from you. 

But when he first laid eyes on Sirius after that first full moon they’d spent together with James and Peter, he’d been unable to deny it any longer. Moony had howled that whole night, knowing that Sirius was so close, even in his Padfoot form. He’d been unable to ignore it after that, and he and Sirius had quickly fallen into a relationship. Turns out back then, Sirius had just been waiting for Remus to acknowledge what was happening between them. 

He just doesn’t understand where everything went wrong, and as he collapses into his bed, he doubts he ever will. 

Sirius Black belongs behind a closed door, never to be opened again. His mate had done something so horrible, so unforgivable, and he’s not sure what that says about _him_ , but Remus needs this chapter to be over, to move on. He has to move on, past the pressing grief of losing all three of his best friends in one fell swoop. 

In the morning, he’ll try to track down Harry, try to build a relationship with what little family he has left, the piece of his parents he has. He’ll write a letter to Peter’s mother, sending along his sympathy, and regret that he wasn’t a better friend to Peter. He’ll move on, as he always does. He has no other choice. 

This time, he’ll fall in the right direction.

**Author's Note:**

> Part 2 is Sirius, and coming soon.


End file.
